The institution of marriage originated in the Garden of Eden as part of God’s plan for humanity, as described in the first two chapters of Genesis. At several intervals during the six-day process, God looked at what He had made and pronounced that “it was good.” However, after forming Adam, He said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). He then made Eve, whom Adam readily received as his companion. This established the first marriage, for immediately God declared, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

God is the author of marriage. He designed it with purpose, knowing the needs and nature of His human creation. His Word reveals steps that form a foundation for a successful marriage, along with a framework of Biblical principles for maintaining it and allowing it to flourish.

God’s three-fold purpose

Marriage has a three-fold purpose. The first of these is to alleviate human loneliness. Adam was alone, so God said, “I will make an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). The English word helpmeet comes from two Hebrew words. The first one means “to surround, to relieve, to aid, and to help.” The second one comes from a root which means “to stand boldly, but opposite”—literally, a counterpart. So, God made for Adam a counterpart who would be suited to him while supporting and helping him. This formed a partnership; not only was Eve a suitable companion for Adam, but he was also a suitable companion for her.

The second purpose of marriage is found in Genesis 1:28: “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” The directive to “be fruitful” indicates that marriage is God’s intended place for children to be conceived and nurtured. Verified research has shown that the best environment for children to develop emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually is in a two-parent home with a father and mother.¹ A stable home is where character is built for the next generation.

The third purpose of marriage is to reflect God’s image and His love to humanity. Long before there were churches or even a chosen people (the nation of Israel), God instituted the family unit. Within this was the first place worship was established. A husband and wife taught their children about God in their home. When we study God’s Word, pray, and worship with our children, our families are like mini churches. Our homes become places where the presence of God dwells. As Christians, we are called to be examples of what it means to be restored to the likeness of God. One way we can do this is through our godly marriages and homes.

The foundational instructions: leave, cleave, and weave

The instructions in Genesis 2:24 indicate that certain steps are necessary for a successful marriage: leave, cleave, and weave.

Leave. God said a man should leave his father and mother. This instruction might seem problematic in cultures where extended families live together. However, it is in reference to autonomy rather than locality. This is evident in that the instruction was included in the Torah—God’s Law delivered by Moses to the Jewish people. The custom in that culture was for a man to prepare for the wedding by adding on to his father’s house and bringing his bride home to live with his parents. Often this was because the two were needed to assist in the family business or trade. Living and working with the groom’s parents presented the newlyweds with the challenge of maintaining a separate identity as a couple. God knew this, yet His plan from the beginning was that the autonomy—the independence of the newly married couple—must be established and maintained.

During modern marriage ceremonies, the concept of establishing an exclusive relationship is often explained to the bride and groom this way: “As a couple, you are establishing a home. An invisible circle is drawn around the two of you, and all others are excluded.” This doesn’t mean that we are to completely exclude our parents, siblings, and friends from our lives when we marry. It means that our relationships with people outside the circle must change, giving primacy to the new marriage relationship. This is the case no matter the culture, because Bible culture is always preeminent.

Cleave. Webster’s online dictionary defines the word cleave as “to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.” This is not a forced kind of togetherness but rather a state of being, where both individuals are willingly determined to stay together no matter what comes. This is critically important when establishing a marriage, because challenges will come. These could include sickness, financial difficulties, problems with extended family, relocation, and more, so we must resolve daily to cleave to each other.

Weave. The Scripture goes on to refer to becoming “one flesh.” This is first speaking of the physical consummation and continuing sexual intimacy that comes within marriage, but it means so much more than that. When a couple makes marriage vows, a bond is created—they are woven together by God. And this bond is strengthened as they continue to weave their lives together. Some couples live their lives so independently that they could be called “married singles.” This is not God’s plan for us. The vows of marriage speak of loving, honoring, cherishing, and protecting—and those things happen when we live together! Temporary separations might be necessary for unavoidable military deployments, short-term job transfers, or education requirements, and God can sustain a couple during those times. However, it is far more difficult for a couple to weave the threads of their lives together if they live apart.

Some years ago, I was in the Philippines and went with a group to watch a weaving demonstration where women were making beautiful blankets and rugs using old handlooms. They operated foot-pedals to shift large panels of string up and down while passing a shuttle of thread back and forth between the panels. As we watched, I saw that the thread which was wound tight on the spools was woven even closer together on the loom. It reminded me that it is difficult to weave when we are not close together.

Weaving constitutes most of what could be considered day-to-day married life, so it’s important for couples to make an effort to find common interests. Recently, a sister testified about her marriage saying, “We enjoy doing things together.” This is what God wants for each of us. There is no one I would rather spend time with than my wife, Lori. Given a choice, I’ll choose her every time. I do enjoy being with the guys, but I’m not woven together with any of them. I’ve been woven together with Lori for almost fifty years.

The framework: Biblical principles

God outlined several principles in His Word that offer practical guidance for strengthening every stage of married life.

Marriage is for life. One time, the Pharisees asked Jesus if divorce was lawful for any reason. In turn, He asked them, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?” Then He stated, “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4-6). Jesus pointed the Pharisees to Genesis 2:24 as the template for marriage, reminding them that from the beginning, divorce was never part of God’s plan. This remains true today—Biblical marriage is the covenantal relationship between one man and one woman for as long as they both live. We must stand by this principle! The world is trying to move it; cultures, societies, and governments have attempted to redefine marriage, but we are charged with keeping God’s definition. Lasting marriages make strong families, and strong families are what healthy societies are built on. When the institutions of marriage and family are torn down, societies begin to erode.

Men and women are different. God created both genders in His image with mental, moral, spiritual, and social capacities. Yet, He also made them different in many ways, including physically and emotionally. For example, women are generally holistic in their understanding and communication. Often, they instinctively perceive what other people are thinking or feeling, and this is where we get the concept of “women’s intuition.” Men, on the other hand, tend to process information in a more linear and direct manner. Both approaches have strengths and weaknesses; our brains are simply structured differently.

We need to embrace the qualities that make our spouses unique from ourselves. My wife brings to our relationship skills, insight, and wisdom that I don’t have. That’s how God created us—to complement one another in marriage.

Couples have defined roles. In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul spoke of the roles that God gave husbands and wives within marriage. He began with the broader instruction, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (verse 21). Then, to the women, he said, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body” (verses 22-23). To the men, he said, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (verse 25). At the close of the chapter, he summarized these roles saying, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (verse 33).

In Paul’s address to the wives, he was not speaking of a coerced submission, but of a mutual and willing one. Previously, he had written to the Corinthians about this same concept, advising, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). The idea that women could choose to submit to their husbands and that husbands should respect their wives as honored partners in their marriage relationship was revolutionary. For in the culture of that day, the status of a woman was only a little higher than that of slaves.

Paul charged the husbands with sacrificially and lovingly leading, following the example of Christ. Just as Jesus gave His life for His “Bride” (the Church), as husbands, we are called to live sacrificially for our wives, devoting ourselves to their happiness and wellbeing. This helps promote the respect and submission that they are charged to extend to us.

God designed marriage as a partnership. Each partner has full and complete inclusion in God’s redemptive plan even though they are charged with different roles and responsibilities within marriage. We are told in 1 Peter 3:7 that both the husband and wife are “heirs together.” It says, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life: that your prayers be not hindered.”

When Peter referred to wives as “weaker vessels,” he didn’t mean that they are inferior to men, but that they are often physically more delicate. We should treat our wives like precious china, not paper plates that get discarded. Their hearts are fragile and tender, and we want to guard that. At the same time, we must recognize that our wives are capable—each spouse brings needed strengths to the marriage. While husbands have the ultimate responsibility for the direction of the family, leadership does not require absolute control. Decisions should be made prayerfully with the wisdom and input of both spouses. As married couples, we want to remember that we are on the same team: God’s team. We’re not competitors trying to gain control, but collaborators for God’s glory.

Communication is with love and respect. For marriages to succeed, the language of love must be spoken often and be backed by actions and attitudes.

In Ephesians 4, Paul exhorted the believers at Ephesus, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (verse 29). This is good advice for married couples. We need to use our words to build up and edify each other, not to tear down and destroy.

In verse 30, Paul said, “And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.” The Holy Spirit is grieved when husbands and wives speak disrespectfully to and about each other. Paul went on to say, “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice” (verse 31). Every marriage will have its challenges; couples won’t always agree. When there is disagreement, we can’t speak unkindly or let negative thoughts fester and turn to bitterness or anger. The best thing to do with a conflict is to look to God together in prayer for a resolution.

Lastly, Paul said, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (verse 32). Communicating love and respect for our spouses will invite reciprocation, strengthening the bond of intimacy in our marriages.

Love is commanded. To love someone for a lifetime is an act of will, not just of feelings or emotions. We must choose each day to love our spouses.

Our love for each other flows first from Christ’s love for us. The Apostle John said, “We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not see? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also” (1 John 4:19-21).

Sometimes, feelings of love are not present in a marriage. In some situations, a person is converted while in a loveless marriage. That is a difficult position to be in, but God can give love for the unsaved spouse. This might require acting in a loving manner for a time, but the feelings will follow. God wants us to be in loving relationships, and He will make this possible when we turn to Him for help.

God’s template

God’s design for marriage provides a perfect template for building strong and lasting relationships that bring peace and stability to our homes. When a husband and wife both follow His plan, their marriage will not only withstand the challenges of this life but will also reflect Christ’s love to the world around us.

¹ Jeff Johnston, “Kids Need a Mom and aDad—That’s What the Research Shows,” Focus on the Family, Daily Citizen,February 26, 2018, https://dailycitizen.focusonthefamily.com/kids-need-a-mom-and-a-dad-thats-what-the-research-shows/.