Triumph Over Despair

In an Alaskan logging camp, God's conviction made this young man wonder if he was losing his mind.

By Tim DeBusk

Sitting on the edge of a bunk at a logging camp in Alaska, I wondered, Am I going out of my mind? I finally asked my brother, Dave, who was lying on the bunk, “Have I been acting strange lately?” He did not answer my question. Instead he just said, “Tim, you need to get saved.” Deep down inside, I knew he was right. I began to realize that God was convicting me of my sins.

My parents were Christians, and as I was growing up in Dallas, Oregon, they made sure we had family worship morning and night. I would not bring my friends into our home because I knew at the end of the day, we would gather in the living room. Dad would open the Bible and read, and we would all get on our knees and pray. I was embarrassed about that. During my teen years, I rebelled against my parents. The devil had deceived me into believing that they were trying to spoil my good times, so I resisted their pleas and resented their counsel. My heart turned bitter and hateful, and God had no part in my plans. I was not much concerned about anything or anyone except myself.

Living life my way

I thought the world was full of excitement, and I was going to have my share, regardless of what my parents said would happen to me. Soon after my eighteenth birthday, I took a logging job in Alaska. It was just what I had been waiting for—a chance to get away from home and live my own life however I wanted.

The first year away from home, it seemed that I'd found what I was looking for. The Alaskan wilderness offered fantastic hunting and fishing, and my work as a heavy equipment operator in the logging camp was challenging and paid good wages. What more could anyone ask for? Yet, I was not satisfied.

Driven to drink

Even though I could see that alcohol had ruined the lives of some of my fellow workers, I began to drink a lot. When the guys headed for town, I would go along with them. If I promised myself not to drink much, I would end up drinking more than ever. Then, in the morning, I would feel so ashamed and defeated.

Alcohol almost cost me my life while vacationing in Oregon. One night, after a drinking party, I was driving too fast and lost control of my vehicle. My pickup spun around several times, hit a bridge abutment, and plunged down the embankment toward the river. Only a tree stopped me from going in. Instead of being thankful that I was still alive, I got out cursing because my new truck was ruined. It did not even occur to me that I could have died, or that God had spared my life. My friends said I was lucky, but I know now that it was God's mercy.

Parents' prayers

Although I never gave my parents any reason to be encouraged, they kept praying for me. My dad began to go to the church on his lunch hour. He would eat, and then he would pray for me. That brought results, even though I was many miles away.

The excitement and fun left my life, and a terrible fear of death began to haunt me. During a slack period, I flew back to Oregon, thinking a few days off would make me feel better. It did not help, and things kept getting worse. I dreaded the thought of boarding the plane for Alaska. Although I had made the trip a number of times, I was sure something terrible was going to happen this time. Before leaving, I asked my parents to draw some money from my savings account and give it to the church. Somehow, I felt I owed that much to God, and I hoped because of that He would protect me.

After I got back, I became desperate. My brother and I had never talked much about God, but that night when I awakened him, I had to talk to someone. Even though Dave was not saved, he recognized my symptoms. I was not losing my mind—God was talking to me. I needed to be saved.

Some serious thought

Dave's response started me to thinking seriously about my life. My stubbornness and desire to have my own way had only brought unhappiness. I just felt sick. More than anything else, I wanted peace of mind. I knew God had it for me, but was I willing to pay the price? It seemed as if God himself asked me that question. I wondered if I could ever make my past right. Yet as God's conviction became heavier, the price began to look smaller.

God continued striving after my heart when I made another trip back to Oregon. One Sunday, after spending the day water-skiing, I returned home dejected. There was no pleasure in anything I did anymore! My parents were ready for church, and my dad asked me to join them. I told him there was not time to get ready, but after they left, I decided to go.

That night, I took a step toward God—not because I was sure everything would work out all right, but because I had tried everything else I could think of and nothing had worked. I prayed, and when I surrendered my whole life to God, He changed me completely. He put real peace into my heart, took away all the fear, and lifted the heavy load of sin I was carrying. That night I went to sleep with a clear conscience. The next morning I wondered if I had been dreaming, but I found it was reality. Peace and joy were still in my heart, and they are still there today.

After the Lord saved me, I continued seeking for more of Him. On a Sunday morning, the Lord sanctified me. That experience gave me the spiritual stability I needed, because I had a number of restitutions to make.

A clear conscience

One of the first was to a local insurance agent. When I was under the influence of alcohol one night, I had run over a sign in front of his business. No one saw what had happened, and I was never caught. Two and a half years later, I sat in his office and confessed that I was the one who had destroyed his sign. I explained to him that I had prayed and God had changed my life, so I wanted to make it right. He told me the bill would be $280 and that while I was at it, I should clean up the mess I had made.

The next day I went back with the money and a rented piece of equipment to clean up the debris. As I paid the agent the money, I could see the surprise on his face. He had not expected me to come back. He told me then it would not be necessary for me to clean up the mess, but since I had already rented the equipment, I told him I would go ahead. As I completed that job and drove away, it felt so good to have that behind me!

Not long after this, I went to the Dallas City Police Department to make restitution for some city property that I had damaged. As I explained to the Chief of Police how God had changed my life and that I was trying to make right the wrongs of my past life, he asked me, “Are you the same man who made restitution to the insurance agent across town?” I assured him that I was. He told me that I was freely forgiven and no restitution was necessary but to only point others in the same direction.

One by one the restitutions were completed. Today, I can thank God that I have a clear conscience before God and man.

God has given me a rich and full life, and I thank Him so much for that. I have found there is a real thrill and joy in serving Jesus.