Breaking Through

Pretending that he was okay with God had brought nothing but misery.
It was time to face up to his real spiritual condition.

By Randy Baltzell

I have never had a doubt that there was a God in Heaven, or had to contemplate the meaning of life, or wonder how the universe began. From the time I was born, I was taught about the Bible and God's love. It was a very real message, and the evidence of its reality was lived out each day by my parents. I was surrounded by their examples of prayer, simple faith, and the understanding that God created all that is. I could not have asked for a better home. I could never have improved upon the love that was shown, nor could I imagine our family without the tight-knit camaraderie that wove us into a secure family unit. The theme in our home was that Jesus died to save us from our sins.

However, the ground is level at the foot of the Cross. The sin that we are all born with makes us equal in God's sight. By the time I was ten years old, I had plenty of sin in my life. The Lord talked to my heart, and I became miserable. When I confessed my sins, God changed my attitude and temperament, and gave me peace.

Sadly, in a couple of years, I began to get lazy in my prayers. The ways of the world started to hold an attraction for me, although I still wanted to be in church and be on the “good side” of the Lord. Eventually, I knew that I was not saved anymore, but I would not admit it.

When I was thirteen years of age, I was so miserable that at times I could not eat or sleep. God was convicting me, and I knew it. Still, I ignored Him and went on pretending—like hypocrites do. Eventually, I began to grow numb to God's Spirit. By the time I was in high school, I was embarrassed when my school friends found out that I attended church, and it was even more humiliating that my dad was a pastor. I went to great lengths to prove that I could be like the rest of the guys.

Yet at church, I continued to participate, pretending that I was okay with God. Inside I was hurting because I was sick with the disease called sin. Compounding the problem was the fact that I did not have the courage to face where I stood with God.

During my senior year in high school, I tried to pray, but it was as if I were praying to a wall. It seemed God had turned His back on me, and I could not blame Him. I began to wonder how far God's grace would actually go. I had no doubt that God could take the most vile sinners and completely change them, but how could God forgive blatant hypocrisy?

When I did pray, I was still too proud to admit that I had failed God. I was trying to meet God on my terms, my conditions, and my turf. Of course, there were no results. In church services where the power of God moved, I would not feel a thing. It seemed I had pushed God's still small Voice away from my mind once too often. I wondered if I would ever feel His Spirit again.

The summer after I graduated, I finally realized that all God wanted was for me to confess my sins. He was waiting for me to be man enough to admit that I had chosen the wrong path. I approached my dad and told him that I was not where I should be. He already had sensed that, but it was good for me to verbalize it and get it all out in the open.

When I told God that I did not care how He did it, I just wanted to be saved and know it, He changed my life. He put real salvation into my heart, something I could stand for and not be ashamed of. He put peace in my life. The change was so obvious even I couldn't miss it.

God loves the hypocrite enough to take him back and wipe the slate clean. What a relief it was to know that I could stand before God with a clear record. Not only did He change me, but He has kept me from sin. God can keep us from falling, if we want to be kept. There have been times to prove Him and times to consecrate everything. Sometimes trials come that seem larger than the reality of life, but God is there. I love the Lord, not because it's easy, but because He's there when it's tough. He is bigger than I am, knows more than I do, and has better ideas than mine. That's why I am saved today.

Randy Baltzell is the pastor of the Apostolic Faith Church in Roseburg, Oregon.