Parent/Child Relationships

By Rich Barrett

After almost thirty years of teaching in an inner-city middle school, I have had many opportunities to observe and contemplate the importance of the child/parent relationship. When a child is brought into my office because of a discipline issue, I often contact the parents to discuss the problem and to inform them of the required disciplinary action. Many times the parent will begin to excuse the inappropriate behavior. There are three excuses that I hear most often: “We’re having family problems and that is why my child is acting up.” “It’s your fault, because my child is perfect at home.” “I don’t know what to do anymore. My child won’t mind me either.” These responses are given because the parents either do not see the problem or do not know how to fix it. If we could turn back the clock a few years, and repair the home situation that possibly contributed to the problem in the first place, we might be able to circumvent some of the current issues.

Millions of dollars have been spent in creating programs designed to help the youth of America become productive and successful. Schools are constantly changing teaching strategies to meet the needs of our ever-changing world. However, the best educational practices cannot replace what needs to be learned in the home.

Many would look at current statistics and trends and say that there is no hope for our youth. However, the bottom line is that our youth have changed because the world around us has changed. We, as parents/guardians, must use every tool at our disposal to create a consistent, loving, and nurturing environment that will help our children transition into successful adulthood. We can know every child development rule, but until we have a successful relationship with our children, built upon Christian principles, we will struggle in our application of these rules.

There are four key elements that are critical in establishing a good relationship with our children.

Christ

Scripture tells us that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). If we submit our will to Christ and follow the precepts taught in the Bible, we have a better chance of being successful with our children. The Bible teaches that we must love our offspring unconditionally. We must admit when we have goofed and be willing to ask forgiveness of them. We must forgive them when they have done something wrong that may have embarrassed us as adults. Most of all, we must seek God’s help through prayer for wisdom to do what is right for our children. As early as possible, it is important that our children begin to study the Bible and learn how to apply its concepts to everyday situations.

Communication

Sometimes parents ask, “How can I talk to my kids when they won’t listen to me?” My first question to them is, “Have you listened to them lately?” Communication must go both ways or nothing will be accomplished. God expects us to come to Him with our needs. We read in His Word that we are to “ask” (John 16:24). The same principal is true regarding communication with our children.

We must make ourselves available to our children and let them know we are interested in what they have to say. The dinner table is a great place to share events of the day. Yes, this may sound childish for older kids, but before long they are joining in also. As we spend time with our kids to fish, scrapbook, play a game, shop, or just a walk on the beach, we will find that the doors to communication open naturally. If we are too busy working, it is very simple: we do not have time for our kids.

Compromise

Parents may wonder, How can I be the authority figure if I have to give in to my child’s demands? However, compromise is not necessarily giving in—it’s settling disagreements through negotiation or mutual adjustment. Every authority figure will come face to face with this need. The key is to lay aside hot issues we may be having with our child for a time period. We must look at what they are asking for, determine what we can allow within Christian guidelines, and then sit down with them and discuss what the allowances will be. There are times when there can be no compromise, so we must choose our battles wisely and, again, ask God for the wisdom that is required in raising our child.

Consistency

When rules are changed from day to day or from situation to situation, a child does not know where the boundaries are. He concludes that rules can easily be broken at any time for any reason. If we have established that our teenager is to be in the house at 11:00 p.m., then we must stick to that time and be sure to monitor it on a regular basis.

This does not mean that the guidelines we establish for a ten-year-old must still be adhered to when the child reaches sixteen. As parents, we must set up reasonable expectations for our children, recognizing that as the child ages and matures, those expectations may change in some ways. Within that framework, we strive to keep a consistency that lets our child know where the boundaries are and also the consequences for failure to abide by them.

Each child is an individual and has individual qualities and traits that make him or her special, and parents are entrusted to train and care for these precious souls. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Our prayer as parents is that our children will choose the pathway that leads to Heaven. It will take prayer, patience, and perseverance!

How would your children rate their relationship with you? Print out the Parent Report Card , and ask them to fill it in (Requires the free Adobe Acrobat Reader available here ). Then prayerfully review their evaluation and assess where you need to make changes!

Rich Barrett is a member of the Apostolic Faith Church in Portland, Oregon. He taught middle school in the Portland area for 30 years, and recently retired as the Student Management Specialist at Hosford Middle School.